Integrity

I used to believe that integrity was a simple notion
I believe and I do, and I align
Yet, in the wild, ideals are tested and asked,
“But is it okay if I test this line?”

I often reply,
“Well, that’s okay”
And feel a nag where my ear meets my neck
My voice wants to object
But can’t find the words to describe the boundaries of “okay”

I move along
While my head is still fumbling with what simply doesn’t sit right
The lines continue to blur
While my eyes and ears take in what I am allowing to happen
My voice getting smaller

Until something clicks
I find my voice
To which I hear,
“But you didn’t object”
And I feel that nag once again
Because I didn’t object
Why didn’t I object?
And my mind continues to fumble

How much time goes by?
How many moments did I betray myself?
And allow myself to shrink?

Until finally…one day…
I see, I hear, I speak
And am still not heard
But I finally hear myself

Those nagging moments marked misalignments with my values
The person before me is not for me…
As a friend
As a lover
As someone to confide in

The person before me will bring me further from that notion of integrity
And only by recognizing this am I aligning my inner being –
With the version of myself that I bring into the world

It is a difficult task to know yourself
To see the person before you
And to anticipate the tests that will commence
To recognize, name, and integrate while the world is made of gray