There are so many times you see the pattern. So many times you say that it won’t happen again. So many times you say you’re a different person, and that you won’t allow that pattern to continue. You’ve broken the cycle.
And then it happens again. Why?
For me, it was that I was forcing myself to change an external factor. Some quality in others that I saw as undesirable. That I no longer wanted to associate myself with this way of life, or pattern of relationships (whether romantic or platonic).
It can’t be forced. Or external. Those are temporary and shallow fixes.
A good friend told me that we teach others how to treat us. It was profound at the time, stated as a matter-of-fact, and so true.
I was teaching and allowing others to treat me as if I didn’t have boundaries. That I didn’t expect to be treated with respect, to be heard, and that it was okay. I was adaptable, flexible, and dismiss-able. THIS is unacceptable. I was unacceptably treating myself as if I didn’t matter. And it was communicated to the world around me. THEY KNEW.
Ever-fearful of being “high-maintenance”, I had become invisible. No one had heard me for so long, because I never committed to my own thoughts and words.
Well – THESE ARE MY WORDS NOW.
Once I saw this quality in myself, I was able to witness my own behavior, and shift. Speaking up, saying what I needed, choosing to communicate versus be constantly accommodating. I am choosing to communicate differently with myself. Rephrasing my own story, internal dialogue, and how I stand in my own skin.
My life has changed. I’m now able to see relationships that we had tried so hard to get to work before, were no longer serving either of us. Being okay with that. Being happy with that. Because we are now both able to move forward towards something we both want, and can both be happier with – even if it’s not immediately evident to the other.
Witnessing how I interact with the world, I’m able to teach new relationships how I need to be treated in order to feel like a WHOLE HUMAN BEING. And that’s an amazing feeling. To feel whole. I don’t believe that I have felt this union of my Self since I was a young child. I’ve missed her. I want to share this person with the world. She laughs with ease, sticks up for people, is a girlish tomboy, adventurous, and loves to share. I aim to have her stick around for the rest of my life.