Time for Healing

Heartbreaks and Break ups are always full of information…after the initial recovery period of blaming and crying and what-ifs. What is completely evident this time around, is something that I knew beforehand. It is the exact thing that made me confident to say yes to an engagement, and the exact thing that convinced me to make excuses as to why I was allowing it to manifest.

Communication:
When it’s there, nothing is left unsaid.
When it’s missing, you’re left arguing in your head all of the things that you should say to the other person.

BEFORE:
We would wake up early and have pillow talk, get ready for our days, kiss each other good bye, text love notes throughout the day, and often only reconnect around midnight or later due to our long days.

DURING:
I began seeing his pain and feelings of loss of control. I would ask, but would be dismissed. I got more and more excuses as to why my efforts to connect were outlandish. So we would watch TV, and I would watch as he messaged other people on his phone. Among so many things, I thought that he just needed time. That maybe it was cold feet, and that if I left him alone that he would come back around. So I stopped trying to communicate.

AFTER:
I argue with him in my head so much. All of the things that I should have said during our relationship when he was pulling away – I say in my head now. I was too close to it to see how things connected together beyond the daily struggle that I saw. But now I see how he weaved things together to keep building a case against us surviving.

Why did I allow this to happen? I thought that we could get through anything because of the communication that we had in the beginning, and I thought that we could get back to that. It kept hope alive that we would survive. But he lost hope in us long before…and so was looking for a way out while I was looking for a way through. I didn’t see the reality of it.

So one of my many lessons from this is that communication needs to have staying power. When a probing question is met with dismissal – beware. When vulnerability on either person’s side turns into an argument – beware. My mom said that I should leave more time for the dating phase since this was such a quick engagement…but I disagree. I’ve dated others for up to 5 years and they didn’t work out for good reason. I do believe that it has nothing to do with how long you’ve known someone, but how you allow the other person to be themselves and how you adore them, want to brag about them, lifting each other up. I worry that it’s a fantasy, but it works as long as you want to make it work. I never stopped wanting to be with him, or wanting to work on our relationship, or adoring him. But he stopped adoring me. And I can’t make him want me.

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