Spring brings the opportunity to uncover something new and exciting, to dust off and remove that which is no longer relevant, and find ways to brainstorm how I want to live differently. Each year is unique, and I never know what I will find. It can be frustrating because my direction can shift dramatically, leaving those that want to keep me close grasping at empty air.
This year seems unique in a completely different way, though. Instead of shifting external directions, I’m finding that drastic shift internally. I feel like a completely different and, for the first time, whole person. It feels cliche to say it out loud, but completely genuine. I previously felt fragmented, unworthy of claiming my preferred choices, and that all of the positives in my life were not due to anything that I had worked so hard for – they were simply things that happened to me. Quite unfortunate. Usually this mindset accompanies negative circumstances, but I was attaching this mindset to positive circumstances. This left me feeling accomplished, yet without ownership of my life, and, therefore, unaccomplished in the long term. I could never find a home within myself.
There wasn’t one thing that shifted in this past year. It’s been a slow burn for the past two years, but that feeling of being a whole, complete human-being came all at once just recently. I am suddenly able to make decisions without wavering out of fear that it would simply inconvenience the other person, I’m now able to witness my own thought processes and change the outcome, I’m able to listen to what I actually want and set boundaries with how I want others to treat me. I am no longer letting others’ preferences of what they want from me influence how I think I should feel. Simply because someone else wants something of me, does not mean that I owe it to them.
This has been life-changing.
As much as I hate to admit this, it stems from self-worth. I didn’t value my own intuition. I thought that others had an inside knowledge about my future – so I went with their vision of who they wanted me to be for them. This isn’t to say that I wasn’t stubborn in the external things that I wanted for myself, such as career goals… this is that deeply-rooted, “Who am I to the world around me?” “How do I fit in?” I didn’t have a 5 year plan (and still don’t), but I allowed others to fill in those answers for me.
Now – I am allowing myself to discover, to feel, to be human, to explore all the ways that I’ve wanted to express myself all of my life.
I’ve gone back to my roots several times in my life to provide answers in times of unsteadiness, and each time has led me down a path more satisfying and grounding than the one before.
I feel like this current, grounded, soulful, barefoot step is an earth-shaking event.